Thoughts in a Jar

I wish I could put all of my thoughts in a jar. I think too much. Thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things that I don't want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shut down and go to war with myself. I'm tired. I'm sick of being tired. I don't always like who I am, but I have to live with it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm tired of feeling sad. Sick of wanting things and people that I can't have.
Some days I wake up and I just feel so empty, so alone, so invisible, and so completely dissatisfied with who I am. My heart feels lonely. Everything feels so meaningless.
There are times when you're just broken into pieces. You don't even feel lime you still exist. Why are we so fragile? Some people just continue to stay with what hurts them the most. At the end of the day, I guess no one wants to feel empty inside. Maybe, that's why some people find moving on so hard.
Something that has hurt you once will usually hurt you again...
I just want to finally be a peace with myself and lock up these thoughts.

Gobble Gobble Birthday

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Bloggers and People who just Read!

I have been out of town for the past week or so and I decided that I would rather spend time with family I don't get to see very often instead of blog. Sorry..

However.. I think that this was a very successful Thanksgiving/Birthday. (: Yes ladies and gents, I turned 16 last week. Whoop!! Of course I feel or look no different.. but I can drive soon so that's pretty awesome.

Me before and after Thanksgiving/Birthday:

Yeah... exaggerating? Maybe.. :P

Well I hope you had a great Thanksgiving break and you stuffed your face with plenty of turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce. (: See you all tomorrow! I have a timed writing to prepare for... ew.

A Drop in the Bucket

Today I took a step back and looked at my life so far. (if you've never done this I recommend it.) Here I am.. I'll be 16 tomorrow and what have accomplished? What am I going to do after high-school.. And then after college?
The plan I had up until today was finish top of my class, go to college, graduate and become successful, get married, be a parent, et cetera. But how will I make a difference? What will I spend this oxygen I'm breathing on? Everything that I have listed is great to accomplish.. But it's so easy to get lost in it all.
I am already bored of the routines. You know what I'm talking about. Wake up around the same time, get ready for school, spend 7 hours memorizing and spiting out information, come home, do homework, spend a little time relaxing, sleep and repeat 5 times a week, 9 months a year for 12 or more years of our life. I ready to spice it up a bit. I am ready to have something to do all of this for.
I have always wanted to be apart of thing that are bigger than myself, and that has greatly influenced the choices I have made in the past few days. Every epidemic, every problem, every cause, you name and I want to help. Most of the time however, I have been unable or I just don't know how. Well I think I know now.
So as of today here is the plan:
After high-school I want to go on to college and then proceed to medical school. Yes ladies and gentleman, I want to be a doctor. (Don't ask me what kind, because I haven't decided.)
Then after getting my degree and the job of course, (I haven't quite worked out the specifics..and I don't know how it will all work out..) I want to volunteer 2 years of life.. At least.. To the Peace Corp. I want to help. Whatever happens during or after that.. Well it happens.
I'm just so excited about life right now and the fact that just the mere thought of helping people in my life gives me such pleasure makes me think that I'm making the right choice.. That this is what I should do with my life.

In Desperate Need of a Sorting Hat!

So I guess the Harry Potter movie premiere tonight (tomorrow morning) has influenced my Pre-Sleep thoughts. I can't help but wonder what house I would be in... or if I would even go to Hogwarts.. Would I have been a muggle? a pure breed? half muggle? or something even more bizarre like a Vella..? I wish I could find out somehow but so far the quizzes I have taken online have either been extremely stupid or my results come back tied. What I mean is that I answer and my result is 35% Slytherin, 35% Gryffindor, and 30% Ravenclaw. (Depending on the quiz, Ravenclaw takes the place of Slytherin or Gryffindor)

So that doesn't answer anything. Darn. I guess I shall never truly know.

By the way.. I am sooo excited about this new movie! Whoop! Can't believe it's finally out. (:

And So It Goes

Oh Bob. :/

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

-Billy Joel

Home

smiling faces,

warmth and belonging,

support with no limitations,

that's Home.

cold walls that hide me,

hard floors holding me down,

absent of life,

a House.

tired of words,

of justifications,

let's just go back,

take me Home.

Wishing for Rain..

To set the mood
Of despair and anguish.
Wishing for Thunder
To conceal my screams.
Wishing for Understanding.

Halfway to 100

Yay.. 50th post... I wish that I could celebrate, but I'm afraid I am way to frustrated and upset for that. I can't be mad though because it isn't anyone's fault but my own.

I shouldn't have let it get this far.. I shouldn't care. The thing is.. I did and I do.

"It started out with a feeling,

which then grew into a hope,

which then turned into a quite thought,

which then turned into a quiet word...

And then that word grew louder,

and louder,

till it was a battle cry..."

That was me last year with Bob. If you remember (I could never forget).. it started just like the song above starts. I started to feel differently around him.. then I started hope that something happened between us.. then I started to think about us.. I got to the point where I could admit that I liked him to myself.. then to my friends until finally I told him.

Obviously though that didn't work at all.. he's too busy dating girls that don't even go to our school to notice me.. I'm just the good friend. I got so frustrated with the whole situation that I completely gave up on the friendship as a whole.

Gradually though, I got over him, and I got used to us just being friends. I came back when he needed me.

"I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye."

Of course the moment I'm over it he asks if I would be interested in just going on a date with him. I wouldn't be his girlfriend, we would just go to them movies and see what happens.

(Never happened)

Well, I didn't really care and so we became best friends more or less.

"Just because everything's changing

doesn't mean it's never

been this way before.

All you can do is try to know

who your friends are

as you head off to the war."

Then I found out that I was moving and he was there, along with all of my other friends, to help me. Besides the move there was the whole Jordan event. I lost one "friend" but gained better ones that have all been great this past month.

"You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say goodbye."

(I will be visiting this summer)

"Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

Till they're before your eyes"

I started liking him again... It was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn't control it. I tried to stop, to tell my heart to stop, but I continued to gradually like him all over again. Nothing would have happened.. because I'm moving.. so why even bother. Deep down I'm starting to think that I'm a masochistic and I just enjoy putting myself through pain. Why else would I let myself do this?

What's killing me now is that he's dating yet another girl that doesn't go to our school and not only that but she was one of my closest friends..

There are just so many questions running chaotically through my head..

Why her? How did this happen? Why do I even like him? What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't?

It's that last one that I think about the most..

I love her but I am a better singer, I do better in school, I see him more, I talk to him more.. but then.. she may be prettier, she's a better dancer, she may be nicer, she may need him more, I may be too controlling, I may not be popular enough, I'm not athletic enough....

She was loved by everyone and on the dance team and I am just a choir nerd. That's why.

I'm am and will forever be the friend.

And no matter how much I say I hate him.. If he ever called me.. I would come running back every time..

"You'll come back

When they call you

no need to say goodbye."

Smelling like Him

Okay so the day it finally starts getting chilly, I forget my coat. It's raining and cold and I'm wear a T-shirt... Yeah I'm a genius.
I was cold all day long and by 7th period I was practically an icicle. Bob walks up to me like he always does, gave me a hug (cause I was really needed one), and asks how I'm doing, which again is the usual procedure. Well, naturally I told him I was freezing and that I didn't think it would be this cold yet. Then he did something that surprised me... He insisted that I take his jacket and when I asked about him being cold (wearing a T-shirt as well) he said "it's okay, I'm naturally warm blooded."
So I wore his jacket all class period.. And I was warm for the first time since this morning.
Well, when class was over I had to give him his jacket back. Then, he said thanks, I went to tutoring in blue and he went to red.
Have a guy offer you his jacket... Check. (:

Halloweenie Minnie Artist

This must have been the first Halloween that I haven't gone trick or treating. However, I did do plenty of things that I have never done before.
First, I got to hold my friends baby, and I mean baby, brother for more than one minute. (he was a scarecrow and it was adorable.
Second, I went to a Catholic Church. Of course I had to embarrass myself.. Walked the wrong way. Didn't know the words to any of the prayers, didn't know what to do with the whole bread and wine thing. It was a mess. A great experience though. (:
Third, I carved a plumpkin (pumpkin)!! Picture seen above. The only sad part was that my e broke. :( tear..
Fourth, I ate roasted pumpkin seeds. Oh my goodness.. SWEET BABY CHEEZE-ITZ! those were amazing. Yum yum yum (:
And lastly, I painted things on peoples faces!
Yea that is correct ladies and gents (and computers), I the Magpie was at a festival with Songbird for Halloween, and we painted on kids faces. It wasn't that bad at all really. The only thing is that I just got home at like 10:15 or something and I feel like I'm gonna die. I am sooo unbelievably tired right now.
The best part is that I have to finish algebra 2 homework. Ugh kill me now.. Oh and picture retakes are tomorrow. Joy. Well... I better get moving. Happy Halloweenie!! (:

The Crazy Colossal Squid ate my Critique!

The play last night was pretty good. (: I had the most fun during intermission though. Haha I sat in between my two best friends, so it's hard not to have fun.
Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde Part 1:
Okay, so the first half of the play went well. Bob decided he would rather sit by me and songbird than evil Ginger and her minions. (not trying to offend the red heads.. She's just really mean and happens to have red hair..) Anywho, we thought we had pick pretty awesome spots, but 2 mins before the show starts this really tall lady sits in front of me, so that I can't see the right side of the stage. Guess who was sitting on my right that I had to get incredibly close to during most of the first half? Bob. After reflecting a tad... I kind of need to apologize to song bird.. I talked to bob quite a bit more. :/ I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I was thrilled whenever his arm accidentally touched mine and stayed there for a good 5 minutes.. And That I seriously wish I could have moved my head down a few more centimeters so that it was resting on his shoulder at one point.. That's only happened once, it last for a few seconds and it will probably never happen again. Sigh..
Intermission: I was picked on by both of my friends basically. Oh! And colossal quids really exist!! :O bob told me so. (: and songbird confirmed it. Guess I wont be swimming in the Arctic ocean anytime soon. ..or was it the Antarctic? I don't remember. Haha.
Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde Part Two: the play ended with a twist, songbird and I whispered something important, the people behind us wouldn't shut up, and bob accidentally touch me again. Oh! And it was cold.
I can't really think of anything else to say about last night other than.. It was pretty fun. (:
Going over to Songbird's house later today. (: Will probably apologize then. :/ she'll probably make some comment about bob and me.
I'm think we need to cool the best friends thing just a tad, because I keep getting asked if we're dating. I may talk to him tonight about it.. If it comes up of course. Later bloggers and blogettes!

Rocks on a Grave

Schindler's List is by far one of the best movies ever and I recommend it! Besides scenes with nudity, strong language and massive amount of violence the movie was exceptionally well done. (not that those things made it less amazing.. It was just awkward watching parts with my guy friends..) this is a movie that everyone should watch before they die.
I'd say more, but I must get ready to go to a play tonight with some friends. I may put some jeans on because the PAC is always cold. I would bring a sweater but I kind of want to see if one of my friends will let me borrow theirs.. Don't ask.. It's just a thing of mine. Haha. Sorry it's so short today! Later gators. (:

The Troll

I don't know what movie has done to my family, but I'd appreciate it if it would stop. I don't think my family can handle this quite honestly. At the moment my sister is trying to convince my parents that I'm a bad guy because I asked her to sit in the back of the car. I would have moved to the back, but I am wearing a dress today so that would not have been easy. Then my brother just started crying because he's not sitting next to who he wanted. Finally, my other sister decided that she was going to be angry today for whatever reason. When she got home, I seriously thought the door was going to fall off. Ugh! All of this just to go out and eat at a restaurant. I think I would much rather eat at home or get take out. So... Much easier. My family kills me sometime. I shall have to get back to you later, we have arrived. I'm sure I will have more stories to tell after dinner. Joy..

Belated Concert Time

I am writing today a lot earlier than I usually to because I have a choir concert tonight, and when I get back I have a bunch of homework to do.

I'll start with the not so happy news, moving. I almost did not have any moving news today, but I decided to tell my English/History teachers about it. Not fun. I almost did it without crying, but one of the girls in my class overheard me and decided to give me a hug and that's when the tears started. The girl who usually cries in that class made me cry. Kind of ironic.
Anywho, I learned that the subjects we are covering now are flipped from what regular classes are learning. That is good because I will beast the lessons in Oklahoma, but bad because I'll have to learn the other material on my on. Luckily for me my teachers post almost everything you need online and they have blogs where the students and teachers can interact, so I have decided to learn vicariously through the Internet. That should be interesting. Haha we shall see..

1 Day and 4 Hours Later....

Okay, so when I was originally typing up this blog on my phone I was at school waiting for my mother to pick me up. Well, my mother arrived sooner than I thought she would and when I got home I had to get ready for the Fall Concert. After the Fall Concert, which was pretty amazing for a Fall Concert (I sang 11 songs all together and for 2 of the pieces we received standing ovations!), I was starving so my mother and I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a Mexican Pizza (that tasted like a cardboard box) and two tacos (amazing), just in case you were wondering. The concert was over at 8:30 and I didn't get home until around 10. Well.. it takes me about 30 minutes to eat, and other 30 minutes to shower and all of that good stuff, so I really had no chance to finish up this blog. However, I did have time to finish it up now. The only thing is that because it is 11pm, this is no longer an early blog post and I have an hour to finish before I am two days late.

Umm... where did I leave off.. Right! Learning vicariously through the internet. Well.. that pretty much summed up my Tuesday.. sooo... on to today! (:

Wednesday: Today I took A Capella choir pictures and forgot my order form in the car. Luckily I found enough money in my backpack to buy a group shot and my best friend is getting buddy shots, so I thought I was safe. Ha.. nope. As soon as my mother gets home, she freaks. I don't think it was about the pictures though.. I think it's about the move. She has had her panties up in a bunch for the past two weeks. Bleh.. not fun, trust me.

Hmm what else happened today? Umm.. Not much else really.. huh. Well, tomorrow is picture day for Madrigals, so I should probably get some beauty sleep. Don't want to look bad in the only Mads picture I will have.. :/ Sigh..

Night Bloggers!

Break

So.. I did end up going to school, but I'm glad I did. Apparently I missed a ton Friday, so I am happy that I'm not as far behind as I could be. Also my best friends are amazing! They make me so happy. (: I really don't know what I shall do without them.
While on the topic of leaving, absolutely nothing happened moving wise. I still have a ton to pack but I didn't mess with any of that tonight.
Umm.. Fall concert tomorrow night.. Should be okay I guess.. Not much really happened.. I hope I don't end up crying in my English/History class when I tell me teachers. If I do I'm glad my 3 closest friend are with me.
Well, I have matrices to solve. Joy.. Night Bloggers.
Magpie Sandwich!!

Sickly Packer

So I kind of sorta missed school on Friday due a Fever and a stomach ache that was barely anything. Usually on my sick days I watch tv, eat soup and read. However, because we are definitely moving within the next two months, I had to start packing up my stuff. Very sad.. :(
The movers are only taking so much, so that means that I also had to consider what things I would get rid of next weekend at our garage sale. This kind of thing is not easy for me, because just about everything has some sentimental valve and if it doesn't I can usually find a reason to keep it.. I don't understand how anyone can just throw things out and sell their stuff so easily. I kind of envied those people this weekend. :/
Well I'm still not feeling the best, so I may stay home from school tomorrow too. It all depends on how my mother is feeling, and if I have a fever. I think I'm going to go take an ibuprofen or something now. It feels like someone jabbed me in the head with pencils.
I'm going to try to write something everyday, and keep you posted on the move. Keyword: try.
"There is no try only do."- yoda talking to me in my head.
Night bloggers.

When the World Stops

Have you ever had one of those moments where your whole world just stops for a moment and you can't breathe. I always thought that when this happens it was because of something good. Not this time..

I had just come home from my Mock Region Audition. Everything about the audition was perfect, it was my best ever, so naturally I was in a really great mood. Unfortunately that mood didn't last very long. I walk in the door and sit down and I hear those two words...

We're moving...

I feel like the world has just been pulled from under me. Nothing is stable and concrete anymore.. I can't breathe right and nothing is clear through my blurry vision. How am I supposed to study for my PSAT now.. How am I supposed to take that test tomorrow.

Things have just started getting close to perfect. I have been amazingly happy! My grades are great, I'm not worrying about boys, I have amazing friends, the house was just painted, my 16th is coming up, everything was perfect.

Well, I guess I was getting too happy and too comfortable.

We are moving this Christmas Break, no exceptions.. it's just a matter of where we are moving to.. Anchorage, Alaska or Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.. the only upside to this whole thing is that we get to choose.

Ugh! I hate this.. I think I'm just going to defenestrate myself out of the tallest building I can find. Sorry guys but I have to go research up on choirs and school academic profiles... maybe I will be able to see through these blurry eyes.

Operation Ditch Homecoming

Had the greatest night ever last night! Operation Ditch Homecoming was a great success. (: We might need to do that again next year. I personally think that spending around 5 hours with your friends and being able to hear them is a lot better than a dry humping party. Just saying..
Okay so I went with my best friend that might as well be my sister, Bob, and my real good friend who we shall call Knight. (makes sense to me due to the fact I know his actual name. Basically, I went with my 3 closest friends. (: where did we go? Well person who asks questions while reading my blogs, we went to the mall to have dinner, walk around, and watch a movie. I feel like I got so much closer to everyone and that makes me happy. (:
The movie was okay, but sitting by Bob made the two hours or so amazing. (: Ahh friends. My friends are so amazing. They are even cooler and more amazing than the baskin robbin's ice cream I ate that night.
(no this wasn't a double date. We didn't even couple up.. much. :P)
Anywho on the way home I determined two things. First, Knight's shoulder isn't very comfy. Second, Bob's shoulder is extremely comfy. Just saying... Yeah I was stuck in the back in the middle of Knight and Bob.. Definitely not complaining though. (: Just between you and me.. I could have easily fallen asleep in those few minutes I was leaning on Bob's shoulder. Wish he didn't live so close to the mall. :/
Speaking of sleep.. I think that's what I should do now. Night bloggers and blog readers.

Homecoming Spirit Week: 1!!!

Day UNO: Mis-Match (:
I'm not quite sure if I'm going to do anything on this particular day... I kind of got a new dress this weekend that I really want to wear soo.. Sorry spirit week.

Why blog?

"People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know."

That's what this is right? My online journal. To be honest I write more on this than I would write in a journal. But why do I write? I write because there is an exigency to write. Writing all of this down helps me stay sane and it's also like a written scrapbook for me. I'm horrible about taking pictures.

People need to vent, and the stuff that's not always easy to vent about goes here.