Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I won't try to catch you up, because to do that would be nearly impossible and it would take to long. Knowing me, it will be awhile before I post anything new after this anyway. However, I am need of a place where I can write (or type) all of my thoughts and nobody I know personally will see it. That's why this blog that I set up forever ago is so perfect.

I was just looking at love quotes, and actually the tab is still open on my screen, because that is just what I do when I'm really happy. I find music and quotes or sayings that best reflect my feelings in order to express myself when I feel the need. My current source of happiness is a new boy that I met recently, a complete sweetheart that I'm truly growing fond of. All of the signs are there. I smile when I see his name light up my phone, I get nervous and giddy when I see him, the works. However, while reading these quotes I found myself thinking of him at first but then gradually drifting over to thoughts of a different boy, a boy who I had been head over heals for ever since I met him almost a year ago when I moved here.

In the beginning he showed signs of liking me too, but someone convinced him that it was in my best interest to ignore that and our conversations ceased to be. Well, a few months later he meets another girl that's incredibly similar to myself in both appearance and personality and they begin their happy relationship while I get stuck with a boy that did nothing for me and lied to me in order to only use me as a distraction. I eventually was cheated on towards the end of the summer, and one of the first, and only, to comfort me was the boy from the beginning. We hadn't talked in awhile, not because we were not on good terms, because we were in fact good friends by now, but because of our own separate relationships. Two months later, his relationship faltered and as soon as I had heard I quickly repaid the favor and consoled him because that's just what friends do. Slowly he began talking to me more and more, just like he had in the beginning. Unfortunately however, it was short-lived, and soon his relationship was patched up and just like that we were back to the teasing and taunting.

I absolutely hated it at first. I could not even begin to understand how he could be so rude and obnoxious to just me especially after I had been so nice to him since the day we met. I bring him a homemade cupcake after his short breakup, he calls me a screw up and flicks me in class. I give him a compliment and he tells me that I was an accident and pushes me. Each day I got closer and closer to my breaking point, until the new boy that I am now talking to mentioned him saying all of these amazing things about me and going on and on about how perfect I am during their practices. It was hard to believe at first that the boy who continuously insults me day after day, is also the boy that thinks the highest of me. Why would he go out of his way to say those things and why not tell me?

So that's where I am at now. Why is he this rude, obnoxious, arrogant jerk when we're in public, but so sweet and thoughtful when we're alone, or even more so when I'm not around at all? What if he never stopped liking me and it's always just been time that's against us? What would I do if I ended up getting into a relationship with the new boy and he confesses to liking me? And most important of all, Why am I even worried about this and who am I kidding?

I know what will happen. I will end up dating this new boy, who I swear I do genuinely like greatly, before Thanksgiving and the two of us will go to Formal together in December and have an amazing time. I will continue to put up with his teasing while I gradually begin to care for the newer boy more and more and think nothing else of it. Then, if it turns out that his relationship falls through again and he decides to mention liking me, I will do nothing about it other than be mad at the world. If, however, he says nothing to me, or if his relationship makes it to the end of the year, I will ask him or confront him about all of this.

It's funny in a cruel kind of way how the one person that I want to be with the most is the one I can never seem to have no matter how hard I try. I need to forget him.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Thoughts in a Jar

I wish I could put all of my thoughts in a jar. I think too much. Thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things that I don't want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shut down and go to war with myself. I'm tired. I'm sick of being tired. I don't always like who I am, but I have to live with it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm tired of feeling sad. Sick of wanting things and people that I can't have.
Some days I wake up and I just feel so empty, so alone, so invisible, and so completely dissatisfied with who I am. My heart feels lonely. Everything feels so meaningless.
There are times when you're just broken into pieces. You don't even feel lime you still exist. Why are we so fragile? Some people just continue to stay with what hurts them the most. At the end of the day, I guess no one wants to feel empty inside. Maybe, that's why some people find moving on so hard.
Something that has hurt you once will usually hurt you again...
I just want to finally be a peace with myself and lock up these thoughts. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Gobble Gobble Birthday

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Bloggers and People who just Read!

I have been out of town for the past week or so and I decided that I would rather spend time with family I don't get to see very often instead of blog. Sorry..
However.. I think that this was a very successful Thanksgiving/Birthday. (: Yes ladies and gents, I turned 16 last week. Whoop!! Of course I feel or look no different.. but I can drive soon so that's pretty awesome.

Me before and after Thanksgiving/Birthday:

Yeah... exaggerating? Maybe.. :P
Well I hope you had a great Thanksgiving break and you stuffed your face with plenty of turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce. (: See you all tomorrow! I have a timed writing to prepare for... ew.