Thoughts in a Jar

I wish I could put all of my thoughts in a jar. I think too much. Thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things that I don't want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shut down and go to war with myself. I'm tired. I'm sick of being tired. I don't always like who I am, but I have to live with it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm tired of feeling sad. Sick of wanting things and people that I can't have.
Some days I wake up and I just feel so empty, so alone, so invisible, and so completely dissatisfied with who I am. My heart feels lonely. Everything feels so meaningless.
There are times when you're just broken into pieces. You don't even feel lime you still exist. Why are we so fragile? Some people just continue to stay with what hurts them the most. At the end of the day, I guess no one wants to feel empty inside. Maybe, that's why some people find moving on so hard.
Something that has hurt you once will usually hurt you again...
I just want to finally be a peace with myself and lock up these thoughts.

And So It Goes

Oh Bob. :/

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

-Billy Joel

Halfway to 100

Yay.. 50th post... I wish that I could celebrate, but I'm afraid I am way to frustrated and upset for that. I can't be mad though because it isn't anyone's fault but my own.

I shouldn't have let it get this far.. I shouldn't care. The thing is.. I did and I do.

"It started out with a feeling,

which then grew into a hope,

which then turned into a quite thought,

which then turned into a quiet word...

And then that word grew louder,

and louder,

till it was a battle cry..."

That was me last year with Bob. If you remember (I could never forget).. it started just like the song above starts. I started to feel differently around him.. then I started hope that something happened between us.. then I started to think about us.. I got to the point where I could admit that I liked him to myself.. then to my friends until finally I told him.

Obviously though that didn't work at all.. he's too busy dating girls that don't even go to our school to notice me.. I'm just the good friend. I got so frustrated with the whole situation that I completely gave up on the friendship as a whole.

Gradually though, I got over him, and I got used to us just being friends. I came back when he needed me.

"I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye."

Of course the moment I'm over it he asks if I would be interested in just going on a date with him. I wouldn't be his girlfriend, we would just go to them movies and see what happens.

(Never happened)

Well, I didn't really care and so we became best friends more or less.

"Just because everything's changing

doesn't mean it's never

been this way before.

All you can do is try to know

who your friends are

as you head off to the war."

Then I found out that I was moving and he was there, along with all of my other friends, to help me. Besides the move there was the whole Jordan event. I lost one "friend" but gained better ones that have all been great this past month.

"You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say goodbye."

(I will be visiting this summer)

"Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

Till they're before your eyes"

I started liking him again... It was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn't control it. I tried to stop, to tell my heart to stop, but I continued to gradually like him all over again. Nothing would have happened.. because I'm moving.. so why even bother. Deep down I'm starting to think that I'm a masochistic and I just enjoy putting myself through pain. Why else would I let myself do this?

What's killing me now is that he's dating yet another girl that doesn't go to our school and not only that but she was one of my closest friends..

There are just so many questions running chaotically through my head..

Why her? How did this happen? Why do I even like him? What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't?

It's that last one that I think about the most..

I love her but I am a better singer, I do better in school, I see him more, I talk to him more.. but then.. she may be prettier, she's a better dancer, she may be nicer, she may need him more, I may be too controlling, I may not be popular enough, I'm not athletic enough....

She was loved by everyone and on the dance team and I am just a choir nerd. That's why.

I'm am and will forever be the friend.

And no matter how much I say I hate him.. If he ever called me.. I would come running back every time..

"You'll come back

When they call you

no need to say goodbye."

Smelling like Him

Okay so the day it finally starts getting chilly, I forget my coat. It's raining and cold and I'm wear a T-shirt... Yeah I'm a genius.
I was cold all day long and by 7th period I was practically an icicle. Bob walks up to me like he always does, gave me a hug (cause I was really needed one), and asks how I'm doing, which again is the usual procedure. Well, naturally I told him I was freezing and that I didn't think it would be this cold yet. Then he did something that surprised me... He insisted that I take his jacket and when I asked about him being cold (wearing a T-shirt as well) he said "it's okay, I'm naturally warm blooded."
So I wore his jacket all class period.. And I was warm for the first time since this morning.
Well, when class was over I had to give him his jacket back. Then, he said thanks, I went to tutoring in blue and he went to red.
Have a guy offer you his jacket... Check. (:

The Crazy Colossal Squid ate my Critique!

The play last night was pretty good. (: I had the most fun during intermission though. Haha I sat in between my two best friends, so it's hard not to have fun.
Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde Part 1:
Okay, so the first half of the play went well. Bob decided he would rather sit by me and songbird than evil Ginger and her minions. (not trying to offend the red heads.. She's just really mean and happens to have red hair..) Anywho, we thought we had pick pretty awesome spots, but 2 mins before the show starts this really tall lady sits in front of me, so that I can't see the right side of the stage. Guess who was sitting on my right that I had to get incredibly close to during most of the first half? Bob. After reflecting a tad... I kind of need to apologize to song bird.. I talked to bob quite a bit more. :/ I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I was thrilled whenever his arm accidentally touched mine and stayed there for a good 5 minutes.. And That I seriously wish I could have moved my head down a few more centimeters so that it was resting on his shoulder at one point.. That's only happened once, it last for a few seconds and it will probably never happen again. Sigh..
Intermission: I was picked on by both of my friends basically. Oh! And colossal quids really exist!! :O bob told me so. (: and songbird confirmed it. Guess I wont be swimming in the Arctic ocean anytime soon. ..or was it the Antarctic? I don't remember. Haha.
Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde Part Two: the play ended with a twist, songbird and I whispered something important, the people behind us wouldn't shut up, and bob accidentally touch me again. Oh! And it was cold.
I can't really think of anything else to say about last night other than.. It was pretty fun. (:
Going over to Songbird's house later today. (: Will probably apologize then. :/ she'll probably make some comment about bob and me.
I'm think we need to cool the best friends thing just a tad, because I keep getting asked if we're dating. I may talk to him tonight about it.. If it comes up of course. Later bloggers and blogettes!

The letter

I just wrote him a letter. It is 4 in the morning.. I have spent close to 6 hours writing Bob a letter that I plan on giving him if I move.. Which is getting more likely everyday. If I don't move however, I going to have to edit it a bit.
Honestly though I feel a bit better. What really broke me down though was reading aloud with "The Scientist" by Coldplay as my backround music. I actually cried just a bit.. That songs fits pretty well and the actual sound it has is very moving, so that plus a handwritten letter reading equals an emotional me. See in my head he had the letter and was reading it but I was saying everything aloud like in a movie. Also, like in a movie you would see images of him movie and then images of me getting on a plane and flying away to Alaska. It was pretty dramatic haha.
If you're ever irratated at someone try writing them a not telling them how you feel. You don't have to actually give it to them like I'm going to do. Instead of giving them the letter you could burn it, rip it, shred it, flush it down the toilet, whatever suits your fancy.
Ahh I feel so much better (:

Shattered

I officially hope that I end up moving.

Okay, I went to this observatory place.. I guess 2 nights ago now, and so it inspired me and I was going to talk about that. Well things change. I just finished watching Dear John, so like any normal girl who has seen that movie I am not very "stable" at this particular moment. It kind of got me thinking though.. In parts.. It reminded me somewhat of what I dealt with/ am dealing with/ will be dealing with. No, Bob didn't get married, but it's funny cause I did find out he is interested in one of my close friends. Yeah... Super.
It has been months since I have used my myspace account and for some unknown reason I decided to check it tonight. So, I'm looking at everyone's updates and it's talking about how he really likes her.. Like I said, after watching that movie I am in no condition to put up with his junk. I have to see this kid everyday, sometimes twice a day, when school starts back up. Should be fun.
I can't deal with him anymore. The only way I'm going to survive next year is with as little contact with him as possible. He seems to think that we're still bestest buds.. HA! right because nothing at all has happened in the past month. Hmph!
Ugh! I'm just so frustrated! I've already imagined a few Alaskan senarios.. I'll probably just end up being disappointed, but I don't care. Anything there is bound to be better than this.
Goodnight bloggers.

Forever and Always

Well Isn't this Super....

I went over to a friends house and she ends up asking Billy Bob why he won't go out with me (not my idea). Well he said... "She's really amazing, but I don't have those kind of feelings for her.. If I did feel that way though I would date her." What the heck... is that suppose to make things better? It made me kind of upset, because I didn't really want to know in the first place.. I could have gone the longest time without actually knowing that. But Magpie! Knowing the truth will help you get over him! Ha!! Right. No, I don't think I'll get over him until I move.. if I move.. and if I don't.. well... it may be a while.

Of course I didn't say anything when I was with my friends. I pretend like it didn't bother me at all. They actually did all of the being upset for me. It was pretty amusing and I am sooo thankful for them. I asked them at one point why they were so upset with him and they told me that they wanted to physically hurt this kid because he flirted with me and lead me on only to crush me. I seriously love my friends.

After I got home though... I became upset again. Without distractions it's easier to think and naturally I think about him.. So I sent him a text saying that I was most likely moving by December. (Even though he doesn't like me like that, I'm still one of his "closest friends" and me moving would really upset him.) This whole conversation continues and he could see that I was upset somehow.. hmm... I wonder. Well then he tells me straight up that he is sorry that he doesn't like me and that he doesn't understand why I'm acting the way I am and that he hopes that I don't leave with us being not as close. After telling him that he's not the reason why I'm upset (lie), he then proceeds to ask why I was upset then. I end up telling the truth...

I tell him about how I'm just frustrated that nothing ever goes the right way, and how I am sick of pretending to smile and be happy at school and stuff, because that is what everyone expects of me, when all I want to do is cry. Then I told him how it wasn't just him.. that I have gone through something similar 7 other times in the past 5 years. He said that nobody should have to pretend to be happy and that he's sorry about all of that and that he didn't know that I went through so much. All of it was simply pity.. "If you ever need anything", "I'll help if you ever need me", "I'm so sorry." Just pity comments. He just felt sorry for me. Will he actually do anything though? Probably not.

Now I get to possibly see him tomorrow (I hope not) and then I get at least 1, if not 3 classes with him next year... WELL ISN'T THAT SUPER...

Now, after all of this crap, I just want a to be held... or I just want a good hug and I want to go to bed. I seriously have the worst headache of my life... Besides my dreams at this point are way better than reality.. Without him and that hope that he actually liked me, I am torn up inside and I'm full of pain that no one can see. At night all I can do is think about what can never be.. When I finally fall asleep, I dream of him.. I dream of his smile and the way he makes me laugh. This is the only time I am ever truly happy, because in my dreams we're not just friends, he loves me back.. I eventually wake back up though knowing that I must face the reality that he doesn't feel the same way, that the dream is just some cruel joke.

All I'm asking is for one night together, just him and me.. alone. Then if he can honestly say that he doesn't have any feelings for me after that night, then I will finally let him go. People say: What's the point in liking someone who doesn't like you back? They're right, there isn't a point. But I can't help who I like, it's not up to me. My heart just kind of decides for me and there is not turning back once your heart makes up its mind.. Besides.. to love someone when there is no chance of love ever thriving.. that is romance.

Let's just face the music here.. I can't get him out of my mind. I keep think of how much I love talking to him... How good he looks when he smiles, how much I love his laugh... I day-dream about him off and on, replaying bits and pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did... I've memorized your face and they way that you look at me... sometimes I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... I wonder what will happen tomorrow, I know one thing is for sure.. He is the best and worst thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Do Nothing Day

Pretty amazing day! I must say sleep really does make a difference. :) 11 hours and I feel great!
I found out that my English teacher can sing and play the guitar, and messing with Bob is really fun. :) That's about it though. It's been a pretty calm day.. even Phineas and Ferb had a "Do Nothing Day."

Well now I must go write a poem and work on my review. Awesomeness I know. :)
Very short blog today haha.

Longest Post I Have ever Written so far.

I know it's been close to a week, if not more, since my last update/post thingy. I've just been busier than I have ever been in my entire life.. well at least it sure feels that way. I'm still really busy. At this very moment I should probably be taking my shower and then I have to write a thesis for English and read a chapter and a half in the book we're reading for English, Alas Babylon. So so so much to do.. Well here's what I have done so far. (I'm just going to start with last Friday.)

Friday:
I traveled by bus with the Latin Club for a competition in Austin and was excused from an entire day of school. The bus ride was great! Had a Blast!! We stop at a huge gas station place and I ended up buying an entire pint of ice cream... and eating the entire thing on the bus... I'm not sure how I managed that. haha Then we got to the hotel, which was really nice. One of my best hotel stays EVER! (mainly because I roomed with 4 of my really close friends. Then we left for the first part of the competition, took a test, sang a duet with one of my friends, and ate really weird tasting food. The best part about Friday was when we went back to the hotel and stayed up past midnight drinking Dr. Pepper, eating junk food, and watching the Harry Potter Puppet Pals videos on Youtube. (So freakin' funny!)

Saturday:
I woke up really ridiculously early to take another test that was a pain in the butt. After I had finished taking my test 2 of my friends and I sat around doing basically nothing. Then we ended up exploring the campus and taking an "adventure". It was getting close to lunch time and I had realized that the person that had the meal tickets was at the soccer fields playing ultimate Frisbee. 1st we walked around the entire school and finally we met this guy that went to the school we were at and got him to take us to the soccer fields. Well, I was in high heels and a skirt so this entire trip was not the easiest thing in the world, because the whole school is practically uphill. I ended up "leading the guy on" or something like that. I was just trying to be nice but I'm pretty sure he thought it was just a bit more... not my intentions. We end of getting the tickets, I become exhausted and we attempt to eat at this really nice restaurant (which is why I was dressed up) but ended up going to a chili's.

Sunday:
We went to Six Flags!! AND The Magic Time Machine (it's a really cool restaurant)
I ended up getting home at around 11pm and I still had a TON of school work. I fell asleep though...

Monday:
I was dead. I had stayed up so late doing as much homework as I could before crashing that I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep and still had more homework to do. Not. Fun. That was the worst Monday of my life.
1. I got locked out of my house without car keys or house keys and had to wait for my aunt to unlock my door so that I could get them, which made me late to class.
2. I was DEAD!
3. There was some drama going on with a prank that happened on the bus Sunday night and something to do with the seating arrangement at Chili's.
4. Because I felt miserable to begin with, I got all upset when I thought of other things that were going on before this past weekend such as:
*Bob Drama
*doubting my singing abilities
*getting my grades up
Yeah so on Monday I had this overall feeling of depression and was sooo upset. I was an emotional wreck and I don't think I would have be considered stable. I almost broke down into tears at multiple points throughout the day. I just felt like my entire world was crumbling down and it wasn't fun. :(

As horrible as Monday was there was one thing that I liked. After school the guys in choir had practice and because I was there at the right time I was invited to stay. So after school I basically watched the guys sing. It was pretty great. Plus Bob is in choir.

Tuesday: (TODAY!!!)
Eh.. I don't really know what to say about today. I probably failed that geography quiz.. that made me sad. I don't know how this happens. My notes are flawless and then I still end up screwing up on the quizzes. It baffles me. Umm... In Math I spent half the class period talking to Bob and that was amazing. I wish I didn't have to wait so long for the whole Lindsey thing to clear to tell him that I like him. It's starting to seriously drive me crazy. Today yet another person commented on how we would make the cutest couple. Again?! We were just talking.. that's all. (really I love those comments)
Finally our choir concert was tonight and we were amazing. At the end of my choir's third song, we went just a bit sharp, but besides that our songs were AMAZING!

I am soooo tired right now... I'm just going to go to bed. Sorry... so... sleepy...

Keep Breathing

So not happy right now... which is why I am listening to music. Music saves me from going crazy, I swear. As long as I can find a song to relate to then I'm okay..ish. At the moment I'm listening to Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson hence the title.

Why am I upset? Well of course it's because of a boy. It's always because of boys when you're in highschool. Stupid, Smelly boys..

This boy, let's call him Bob, has been driving me crazy since September and I getting tired of it. At first Bob's just a random guy in my Math class and then somehow he becomes the silly friend in my English and Math class that I can't stop thinking about. I don't know how this happens..

"Why don't you just tell him?" Ha! Well, you see Bob has a girlfriend. That would be great and all except for the fact that she is a horrible girlfriend. Here's why:
1. She lives an hour away
2. Her parents don't like Bob (that doesn't make her a horrible girlfriend, but it still doesn't help their situation)
3. She's a flirt and
4. She's cheated on him at least 4 times now

I know it's only 4 reasons, but it's enough for me. What do you think?



A few days ago I got excited because the had split up, or so I thought. Bob told me that they weren't talking anymore and then he talks to me for an hour or so when he had other things to do. I would try to get him to do what he was supposed to and Bob would just find something else to talk about. Lately he had been talking to me more and more, so I just assumed that he was getting over her and... well yeah.

So much for that thought. Yesterday I was on Myspace and I
1. sent him a message asking him about his trip and
2. asked a question about his status

I know he read my message.. but he never responded and he deleted my post on his status. Of course I look at his wall and he had been talking to his horrible girlfriend non stop. That just really made me mad. I may be over-reacting but still. I thought that things were working out and got my hopes up for that? Grr...

Thank Goodness for friends and music. One of my friends actually made a video for me with pictures and videos of us and all of our inside jokes. Made me feel soo much better.

I guess all we can do is keep breathing...
that and ignore Bob.