Monday, May 31, 2010

Well Isn't this Super....

I went over to a friends house and she ends up asking Billy Bob why he won't go out with me (not my idea). Well he said... "She's really amazing, but I don't have those kind of feelings for her.. If I did feel that way though I would date her." What the heck... is that suppose to make things better? It made me kind of upset, because I didn't really want to know in the first place.. I could have gone the longest time without actually knowing that. But Magpie! Knowing the truth will help you get over him! Ha!! Right. No, I don't think I'll get over him until I move.. if I move.. and if I don't.. well... it may be a while.

Of course I didn't say anything when I was with my friends. I pretend like it didn't bother me at all. They actually did all of the being upset for me. It was pretty amusing and I am sooo thankful for them. I asked them at one point why they were so upset with him and they told me that they wanted to physically hurt this kid because he flirted with me and lead me on only to crush me. I seriously love my friends.

After I got home though... I became upset again. Without distractions it's easier to think and naturally I think about him.. So I sent him a text saying that I was most likely moving by December. (Even though he doesn't like me like that, I'm still one of his "closest friends" and me moving would really upset him.) This whole conversation continues and he could see that I was upset somehow.. hmm... I wonder. Well then he tells me straight up that he is sorry that he doesn't like me and that he doesn't understand why I'm acting the way I am and that he hopes that I don't leave with us being not as close. After telling him that he's not the reason why I'm upset (lie), he then proceeds to ask why I was upset then. I end up telling the truth...

I tell him about how I'm just frustrated that nothing ever goes the right way, and how I am sick of pretending to smile and be happy at school and stuff, because that is what everyone expects of me, when all I want to do is cry. Then I told him how it wasn't just him.. that I have gone through something similar 7 other times in the past 5 years. He said that nobody should have to pretend to be happy and that he's sorry about all of that and that he didn't know that I went through so much. All of it was simply pity.. "If you ever need anything", "I'll help if you ever need me", "I'm so sorry." Just pity comments. He just felt sorry for me. Will he actually do anything though? Probably not.

Now I get to possibly see him tomorrow (I hope not) and then I get at least 1, if not 3 classes with him next year... WELL ISN'T THAT SUPER...

Now, after all of this crap, I just want a to be held... or I just want a good hug and I want to go to bed. I seriously have the worst headache of my life... Besides my dreams at this point are way better than reality.. Without him and that hope that he actually liked me, I am torn up inside and I'm full of pain that no one can see. At night all I can do is think about what can never be.. When I finally fall asleep, I dream of him.. I dream of his smile and the way he makes me laugh. This is the only time I am ever truly happy, because in my dreams we're not just friends, he loves me back.. I eventually wake back up though knowing that I must face the reality that he doesn't feel the same way, that the dream is just some cruel joke.

All I'm asking is for one night together, just him and me.. alone. Then if he can honestly say that he doesn't have any feelings for me after that night, then I will finally let him go. People say: What's the point in liking someone who doesn't like you back? They're right, there isn't a point. But I can't help who I like, it's not up to me. My heart just kind of decides for me and there is not turning back once your heart makes up its mind.. Besides.. to love someone when there is no chance of love ever thriving.. that is romance.

Let's just face the music here.. I can't get him out of my mind. I keep think of how much I love talking to him... How good he looks when he smiles, how much I love his laugh... I day-dream about him off and on, replaying bits and pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did... I've memorized your face and they way that you look at me... sometimes I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... I wonder what will happen tomorrow, I know one thing is for sure.. He is the best and worst thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Do Nothing Day

Pretty amazing day! I must say sleep really does make a difference. :) 11 hours and I feel great!
I found out that my English teacher can sing and play the guitar, and messing with Bob is really fun. :) That's about it though. It's been a pretty calm day.. even Phineas and Ferb had a "Do Nothing Day."

Well now I must go write a poem and work on my review. Awesomeness I know. :)
Very short blog today haha.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I'm moving where?!


Okay so my dad just told me that there is a 50% chance that I will move to Anchorage, Alaska! :O That's pretty much the complete opposite of where I am now...
  1. Home: Hot for the majority of the year and doesn't ever really snow Alaska: Get's REALLY cold and snows
  2. Home: tons of buildings, malls, homes, parking lots, etc. Alaska: tons of trees...
  3. Home: Mexicans Alaska: Eskimos
  4. Home: Not much scenery... Alaska: A beautiful view just about anywhere you go
  5. Home: You go to the beach and swim in pools Alaska: You go skiing and can't really swim outdoors
  6. Home: Rednecks Alaska: Environmentalists
Obviously both locations have their advantages and disadvantages...
Here's how my father told me about this:
Okay, so he's picking me up from a friend's house and he was in the Mercedes. The other day I heard my mom talking to one of her friends about the car I will be driving, when I can.. I overheard her saying that her and my father were planning on selling the Mercedes and that is the car that I was supposed to get. (It's a pretty sweet car, I won't lie.) So, after getting in the car I ask my dad, "Are you guys really going to sell this car and get a truck?" (That's what they were going to get... a truck.. I do NOT like trucks and I will NOT drive one..) The conversation continued as follows...
DAD: No, where did you hear that?
ME: I heard mom talking about it.. she said that we were getting a truck.
DAD: Well, we're not going to sell the Mercedes. I do want a truck but we'll have to see.
ME: So the Mercedes will be here for awhile?
DAD: Unless we move.
ME: Yeah, but that won't be happening anytime soon. (laughs a little at the silliness of that idea)
DAD: Well.. we may be moving sooner than you think. It all depends.
ME: What?! We're moving?
DAD: It depends on which position opens up first.
ME: Where would we be moving to? Singapore? Dubai? Louisiana?
DAD: Anchorage, Alaska.
ME: What?!!? When?
DAD: Well, we'll know whether or not we're moving by December of this year.. if not sooner.
ME: What are the chances of us moving?
DAD: It's a 50/50 chance.
ME: :O
DAD: Don't tell your sisters.
ME: ................

Yeah... great.. At first I will admit that I didn't want to move at all, but well, now it seems like it would be kind of cool.. Of course I'll miss my friends and I'll miss my directors and everything else about where I live now, but come on... it's Alaska. That's pretty cool. I've already looked at the school and a few house that I wouldn't mind living in. After researching a bit and planning things out, I feel just a little bit better about the whole thing. Now I constantly have this funny feeling in my stomach because of the not knowing part.. I'm constantly anxious and nervous and it's not fun at all. I just want to know now..

Anywho... that's all that really mattered to me today.. I'll keep you posted on all of the latest developments of the possible move.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

So sad...

Have been at practice till 6 or later everyday this week and then I get home and still have a crap load of homework to do, and I can't fit blogging in there too.. sorry. Nobody really reads this though... so I don't really know who I'm talking to..
Anyway.. Today I found out that my choir director just got accepted into some college something to get his doctorate. He has probably been the most influential person in my choir/singing career. I always felt so comfortable with him and most of my best memories of Freshman year were with him and the other two super fish. It's going to be tough these last few weeks, and I can almost guarentee that every class period from now to the end of the year will be very emotional. :( I'll probably cry on a few of those days.. It's a good change, it's just... hard to take in and get used to. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY could ever even compete with his super awesomeness and I could probably go on forever sharing some of my favorites stories and just attempting to explain how amazing he is.. I will always remember him.. Forever and ever amen.
That's all that was really important to me today....
Big Choir Performance tomorrow night... Pretty excited/scared/sad
Well... that is all I guess. Goodnight Bloggers!

Oh by the way.. I picked a picture of a very distressed Sam because obviously I am not the best at the moment and my director liked Lord of the Rings.

Monday, May 10, 2010


Ugh... Mondays. :( I had a good weekend though. (: Friday- Gym and Sleepover with my best friend. During the sleepover we watched tons of movies and ate the perfect comfort food, ice cream, Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, and Peanut butter cups. It was great. Saturday- Baseball game with father Sunday- (Mother's Day) Went out to the lake and ate out at a restaurant.
My weekend was the best. Today however...
I will say that the school part of my day was pretty great. Afterwords however... BLEH! Let's just say Bob and a friend of mine talked the whole time about stuff I didn't know about and therefore couldn't talk about. I swear, sometimes it feels like she likes him. That would suck! Especially because they'll both be in at least one of my classes together.. with me. Ugh! If they got together, I would die. I already know that Jane (girl he went to some thing with Friday) likes him. It's obvious. So Much for getting hooked up.. "You guys would be so cute!" Ha! What happened to that?
I have decided that I am going to try not to care anymore.. what's the point? I should just come to terms with the fact that I've never had a boyfriend and I never will. High School is amazing...
Song that I can't get out of my head: You're not Sorry by Taylor Swift. It's such a beautiful song. I love it. She always finds a way to touch on everything that happens in the average high school girl's (and sometimes boy's) life. Genius!

Oh! and here's a few quotes that I found:
Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. ~Author Unknown
When you talk to me, don't be surprised if I don't look in your eyes. It isn't because I don't want to look in them, it is because I don't want you to look into mine-because then you would see how much pain I really am in. You would know that I still love you, and that there isn't anyone else I want to be with. You will know how extremely weak I am when it comes to my feelings, and that I'm not all that strong. That's why I won't look at you when you talk to me.
(I tried to find it but I couldn't but it went something like...) If you could only see how much pain you have put me through, you would never be able to look me in the eyes again.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Beyond Repair?

I haven't posted anything in forever and I'll go with the "school has been really busy" excuse. Had I posted something Monday or Tuesday I would have said that you've missed a bunch.. but really nothing of importance has happened now.

I have gone from being close friends with Bob (I think that's what I was calling him) to acquaintances. Really if I think about though.. we have always been just acquaintances. I was only fooling myself when I thought we were good friends. Sure I would text him and he would text me, but does texting really mean anything? I prefer phone calls and not once has he mentioned talking on the phone. I hint at it all of the time but I guess it's not clear enough..
Another reason why I have come to the conclusion we were never close is the speed at which he has befriended some of my closest friends. I have known this guy since October, I see and talk to him daily, and I like him (I did end up telling him btw and that's not the reason we've drifted..) and then he meets my friends and they just hit it off. He has known them for maybe 2 weeks and is already closer to them than he is to me. It's so frustrating!
I know that he is closer to at least one of them because just yesterday before practice I walk in and they are talking about something I have been trying to talk to him about for MONTHS. Then I ask her later what they were discussing and she says, "I can't really talk about it... It's kind of a secret between Keith and I.. sorry." Seriously?! I know what they were talking about! He was talking about his crazy Ex, I'm not stupid. This whole situation is ridiculous.
The only reason she is talking to him is because she claims that "Keith and I would be so cute!" and that is going to get us together. I didn't ask her to do this, and she doesn't even know that I like him. I'm probably just over-reacting, but it's hard to imagine that she is going to actually do it. I worry that she is going to get him to like her and they'll get together. It wouldn't be this first time she has liked the same guy as me... If that does end up happening.. I don't know what I'll do. Actually, I know that I wouldn't be able to deal with that well at all.. He's just... Bob is amazing. He's athletic, musical, smart, funny, kind, and just about everything else I had hoped to find in high school.
Really though.. who was I kidding? When have I ever had a guy friend that lasted? Never. Something always happens to mess it up. I've never had a boyfriend and sometimes, like right now, it feels like I never will. Yet whenever I talk to someone about that the usual response is:
"Oh you'll find someone and whoever that ends up being is really lucky. You have tons of qualities that guys look for and you're too pretty not to have a boyfriend." (Not my words, Promise.)
It's like nobody get what I'm going through and yet I know that someone must be able to understand because I know I am not the only girl to go through something like this. In my family though, all of the girls have tons of guy friends and have never had trouble finding a guy.
I probably sound really whiny, but honestly right now I could care less. The only reason I'm blogging this is because it would hurt my hand too much to right it all down right now. I really needed to vent and seeing as the majority of my friends are involved in this I haven't had anyone to talk to.

I'm going to go and read a bunch of quotes and listen to more music. Here's to my suck-ish day...