Halfway to 100

Yay.. 50th post... I wish that I could celebrate, but I'm afraid I am way to frustrated and upset for that. I can't be mad though because it isn't anyone's fault but my own.

I shouldn't have let it get this far.. I shouldn't care. The thing is.. I did and I do.

"It started out with a feeling,

which then grew into a hope,

which then turned into a quite thought,

which then turned into a quiet word...

And then that word grew louder,

and louder,

till it was a battle cry..."

That was me last year with Bob. If you remember (I could never forget).. it started just like the song above starts. I started to feel differently around him.. then I started hope that something happened between us.. then I started to think about us.. I got to the point where I could admit that I liked him to myself.. then to my friends until finally I told him.

Obviously though that didn't work at all.. he's too busy dating girls that don't even go to our school to notice me.. I'm just the good friend. I got so frustrated with the whole situation that I completely gave up on the friendship as a whole.

Gradually though, I got over him, and I got used to us just being friends. I came back when he needed me.

"I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye."

Of course the moment I'm over it he asks if I would be interested in just going on a date with him. I wouldn't be his girlfriend, we would just go to them movies and see what happens.

(Never happened)

Well, I didn't really care and so we became best friends more or less.

"Just because everything's changing

doesn't mean it's never

been this way before.

All you can do is try to know

who your friends are

as you head off to the war."

Then I found out that I was moving and he was there, along with all of my other friends, to help me. Besides the move there was the whole Jordan event. I lost one "friend" but gained better ones that have all been great this past month.

"You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say goodbye."

(I will be visiting this summer)

"Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

Till they're before your eyes"

I started liking him again... It was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn't control it. I tried to stop, to tell my heart to stop, but I continued to gradually like him all over again. Nothing would have happened.. because I'm moving.. so why even bother. Deep down I'm starting to think that I'm a masochistic and I just enjoy putting myself through pain. Why else would I let myself do this?

What's killing me now is that he's dating yet another girl that doesn't go to our school and not only that but she was one of my closest friends..

There are just so many questions running chaotically through my head..

Why her? How did this happen? Why do I even like him? What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't?

It's that last one that I think about the most..

I love her but I am a better singer, I do better in school, I see him more, I talk to him more.. but then.. she may be prettier, she's a better dancer, she may be nicer, she may need him more, I may be too controlling, I may not be popular enough, I'm not athletic enough....

She was loved by everyone and on the dance team and I am just a choir nerd. That's why.

I'm am and will forever be the friend.

And no matter how much I say I hate him.. If he ever called me.. I would come running back every time..

"You'll come back

When they call you

no need to say goodbye."

Well Isn't this Super....

I went over to a friends house and she ends up asking Billy Bob why he won't go out with me (not my idea). Well he said... "She's really amazing, but I don't have those kind of feelings for her.. If I did feel that way though I would date her." What the heck... is that suppose to make things better? It made me kind of upset, because I didn't really want to know in the first place.. I could have gone the longest time without actually knowing that. But Magpie! Knowing the truth will help you get over him! Ha!! Right. No, I don't think I'll get over him until I move.. if I move.. and if I don't.. well... it may be a while.

Of course I didn't say anything when I was with my friends. I pretend like it didn't bother me at all. They actually did all of the being upset for me. It was pretty amusing and I am sooo thankful for them. I asked them at one point why they were so upset with him and they told me that they wanted to physically hurt this kid because he flirted with me and lead me on only to crush me. I seriously love my friends.

After I got home though... I became upset again. Without distractions it's easier to think and naturally I think about him.. So I sent him a text saying that I was most likely moving by December. (Even though he doesn't like me like that, I'm still one of his "closest friends" and me moving would really upset him.) This whole conversation continues and he could see that I was upset somehow.. hmm... I wonder. Well then he tells me straight up that he is sorry that he doesn't like me and that he doesn't understand why I'm acting the way I am and that he hopes that I don't leave with us being not as close. After telling him that he's not the reason why I'm upset (lie), he then proceeds to ask why I was upset then. I end up telling the truth...

I tell him about how I'm just frustrated that nothing ever goes the right way, and how I am sick of pretending to smile and be happy at school and stuff, because that is what everyone expects of me, when all I want to do is cry. Then I told him how it wasn't just him.. that I have gone through something similar 7 other times in the past 5 years. He said that nobody should have to pretend to be happy and that he's sorry about all of that and that he didn't know that I went through so much. All of it was simply pity.. "If you ever need anything", "I'll help if you ever need me", "I'm so sorry." Just pity comments. He just felt sorry for me. Will he actually do anything though? Probably not.

Now I get to possibly see him tomorrow (I hope not) and then I get at least 1, if not 3 classes with him next year... WELL ISN'T THAT SUPER...

Now, after all of this crap, I just want a to be held... or I just want a good hug and I want to go to bed. I seriously have the worst headache of my life... Besides my dreams at this point are way better than reality.. Without him and that hope that he actually liked me, I am torn up inside and I'm full of pain that no one can see. At night all I can do is think about what can never be.. When I finally fall asleep, I dream of him.. I dream of his smile and the way he makes me laugh. This is the only time I am ever truly happy, because in my dreams we're not just friends, he loves me back.. I eventually wake back up though knowing that I must face the reality that he doesn't feel the same way, that the dream is just some cruel joke.

All I'm asking is for one night together, just him and me.. alone. Then if he can honestly say that he doesn't have any feelings for me after that night, then I will finally let him go. People say: What's the point in liking someone who doesn't like you back? They're right, there isn't a point. But I can't help who I like, it's not up to me. My heart just kind of decides for me and there is not turning back once your heart makes up its mind.. Besides.. to love someone when there is no chance of love ever thriving.. that is romance.

Let's just face the music here.. I can't get him out of my mind. I keep think of how much I love talking to him... How good he looks when he smiles, how much I love his laugh... I day-dream about him off and on, replaying bits and pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did... I've memorized your face and they way that you look at me... sometimes I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... I wonder what will happen tomorrow, I know one thing is for sure.. He is the best and worst thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Mondays

Ugh... Mondays. :( I had a good weekend though. (: Friday- Gym and Sleepover with my best friend. During the sleepover we watched tons of movies and ate the perfect comfort food, ice cream, Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, and Peanut butter cups. It was great. Saturday- Baseball game with father Sunday- (Mother's Day) Went out to the lake and ate out at a restaurant.
My weekend was the best. Today however... I will say that the school part of my day was pretty great. Afterwords however... BLEH! Let's just say Bob and a friend of mine talked the whole time about stuff I didn't know about and therefore couldn't talk about. I swear, sometimes it feels like she likes him. That would suck! Especially because they'll both be in at least one of my classes together.. with me. Ugh! If they got together, I would die. I already know that Jane (girl he went to some thing with Friday) likes him. It's obvious. So Much for getting hooked up.. "You guys would be so cute!" Ha! What happened to that?
I have decided that I am going to try not to care anymore.. what's the point? I should just come to terms with the fact that I've never had a boyfriend and I never will. High School is amazing...
Song that I can't get out of my head: You're not Sorry by Taylor Swift. It's such a beautiful song. I love it. She always finds a way to touch on everything that happens in the average high school girl's (and sometimes boy's) life. Genius!
Oh! and here's a few quotes that I found: Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. ~Author Unknown

AND!!!

When you talk to me, don't be surprised if I don't look in your eyes. It isn't because I don't want to look in them, it is because I don't want you to look into mine-because then you would see how much pain I really am in. You would know that I still love you, and that there isn't anyone else I want to be with. You will know how extremely weak I am when it comes to my feelings, and that I'm not all that strong. That's why I won't look at you when you talk to me.

AND FINALLY!!

(I tried to find it but I couldn't but it went something like...) If you could only see how much pain you have put me through, you would never be able to look me in the eyes again.

Longest Post I Have ever Written so far.

I know it's been close to a week, if not more, since my last update/post thingy. I've just been busier than I have ever been in my entire life.. well at least it sure feels that way. I'm still really busy. At this very moment I should probably be taking my shower and then I have to write a thesis for English and read a chapter and a half in the book we're reading for English, Alas Babylon. So so so much to do.. Well here's what I have done so far. (I'm just going to start with last Friday.)

Friday:
I traveled by bus with the Latin Club for a competition in Austin and was excused from an entire day of school. The bus ride was great! Had a Blast!! We stop at a huge gas station place and I ended up buying an entire pint of ice cream... and eating the entire thing on the bus... I'm not sure how I managed that. haha Then we got to the hotel, which was really nice. One of my best hotel stays EVER! (mainly because I roomed with 4 of my really close friends. Then we left for the first part of the competition, took a test, sang a duet with one of my friends, and ate really weird tasting food. The best part about Friday was when we went back to the hotel and stayed up past midnight drinking Dr. Pepper, eating junk food, and watching the Harry Potter Puppet Pals videos on Youtube. (So freakin' funny!)

Saturday:
I woke up really ridiculously early to take another test that was a pain in the butt. After I had finished taking my test 2 of my friends and I sat around doing basically nothing. Then we ended up exploring the campus and taking an "adventure". It was getting close to lunch time and I had realized that the person that had the meal tickets was at the soccer fields playing ultimate Frisbee. 1st we walked around the entire school and finally we met this guy that went to the school we were at and got him to take us to the soccer fields. Well, I was in high heels and a skirt so this entire trip was not the easiest thing in the world, because the whole school is practically uphill. I ended up "leading the guy on" or something like that. I was just trying to be nice but I'm pretty sure he thought it was just a bit more... not my intentions. We end of getting the tickets, I become exhausted and we attempt to eat at this really nice restaurant (which is why I was dressed up) but ended up going to a chili's.

Sunday:
We went to Six Flags!! AND The Magic Time Machine (it's a really cool restaurant)
I ended up getting home at around 11pm and I still had a TON of school work. I fell asleep though...

Monday:
I was dead. I had stayed up so late doing as much homework as I could before crashing that I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep and still had more homework to do. Not. Fun. That was the worst Monday of my life.
1. I got locked out of my house without car keys or house keys and had to wait for my aunt to unlock my door so that I could get them, which made me late to class.
2. I was DEAD!
3. There was some drama going on with a prank that happened on the bus Sunday night and something to do with the seating arrangement at Chili's.
4. Because I felt miserable to begin with, I got all upset when I thought of other things that were going on before this past weekend such as:
*Bob Drama
*doubting my singing abilities
*getting my grades up
Yeah so on Monday I had this overall feeling of depression and was sooo upset. I was an emotional wreck and I don't think I would have be considered stable. I almost broke down into tears at multiple points throughout the day. I just felt like my entire world was crumbling down and it wasn't fun. :(

As horrible as Monday was there was one thing that I liked. After school the guys in choir had practice and because I was there at the right time I was invited to stay. So after school I basically watched the guys sing. It was pretty great. Plus Bob is in choir.

Tuesday: (TODAY!!!)
Eh.. I don't really know what to say about today. I probably failed that geography quiz.. that made me sad. I don't know how this happens. My notes are flawless and then I still end up screwing up on the quizzes. It baffles me. Umm... In Math I spent half the class period talking to Bob and that was amazing. I wish I didn't have to wait so long for the whole Lindsey thing to clear to tell him that I like him. It's starting to seriously drive me crazy. Today yet another person commented on how we would make the cutest couple. Again?! We were just talking.. that's all. (really I love those comments)
Finally our choir concert was tonight and we were amazing. At the end of my choir's third song, we went just a bit sharp, but besides that our songs were AMAZING!

I am soooo tired right now... I'm just going to go to bed. Sorry... so... sleepy...

Keep Breathing

So not happy right now... which is why I am listening to music. Music saves me from going crazy, I swear. As long as I can find a song to relate to then I'm okay..ish. At the moment I'm listening to Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson hence the title.

Why am I upset? Well of course it's because of a boy. It's always because of boys when you're in highschool. Stupid, Smelly boys..

This boy, let's call him Bob, has been driving me crazy since September and I getting tired of it. At first Bob's just a random guy in my Math class and then somehow he becomes the silly friend in my English and Math class that I can't stop thinking about. I don't know how this happens..

"Why don't you just tell him?" Ha! Well, you see Bob has a girlfriend. That would be great and all except for the fact that she is a horrible girlfriend. Here's why:
1. She lives an hour away
2. Her parents don't like Bob (that doesn't make her a horrible girlfriend, but it still doesn't help their situation)
3. She's a flirt and
4. She's cheated on him at least 4 times now

I know it's only 4 reasons, but it's enough for me. What do you think?



A few days ago I got excited because the had split up, or so I thought. Bob told me that they weren't talking anymore and then he talks to me for an hour or so when he had other things to do. I would try to get him to do what he was supposed to and Bob would just find something else to talk about. Lately he had been talking to me more and more, so I just assumed that he was getting over her and... well yeah.

So much for that thought. Yesterday I was on Myspace and I
1. sent him a message asking him about his trip and
2. asked a question about his status

I know he read my message.. but he never responded and he deleted my post on his status. Of course I look at his wall and he had been talking to his horrible girlfriend non stop. That just really made me mad. I may be over-reacting but still. I thought that things were working out and got my hopes up for that? Grr...

Thank Goodness for friends and music. One of my friends actually made a video for me with pictures and videos of us and all of our inside jokes. Made me feel soo much better.

I guess all we can do is keep breathing...
that and ignore Bob.