Halfway to 100

Yay.. 50th post... I wish that I could celebrate, but I'm afraid I am way to frustrated and upset for that. I can't be mad though because it isn't anyone's fault but my own.

I shouldn't have let it get this far.. I shouldn't care. The thing is.. I did and I do.

"It started out with a feeling,

which then grew into a hope,

which then turned into a quite thought,

which then turned into a quiet word...

And then that word grew louder,

and louder,

till it was a battle cry..."

That was me last year with Bob. If you remember (I could never forget).. it started just like the song above starts. I started to feel differently around him.. then I started hope that something happened between us.. then I started to think about us.. I got to the point where I could admit that I liked him to myself.. then to my friends until finally I told him.

Obviously though that didn't work at all.. he's too busy dating girls that don't even go to our school to notice me.. I'm just the good friend. I got so frustrated with the whole situation that I completely gave up on the friendship as a whole.

Gradually though, I got over him, and I got used to us just being friends. I came back when he needed me.

"I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye."

Of course the moment I'm over it he asks if I would be interested in just going on a date with him. I wouldn't be his girlfriend, we would just go to them movies and see what happens.

(Never happened)

Well, I didn't really care and so we became best friends more or less.

"Just because everything's changing

doesn't mean it's never

been this way before.

All you can do is try to know

who your friends are

as you head off to the war."

Then I found out that I was moving and he was there, along with all of my other friends, to help me. Besides the move there was the whole Jordan event. I lost one "friend" but gained better ones that have all been great this past month.

"You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say goodbye."

(I will be visiting this summer)

"Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

Till they're before your eyes"

I started liking him again... It was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn't control it. I tried to stop, to tell my heart to stop, but I continued to gradually like him all over again. Nothing would have happened.. because I'm moving.. so why even bother. Deep down I'm starting to think that I'm a masochistic and I just enjoy putting myself through pain. Why else would I let myself do this?

What's killing me now is that he's dating yet another girl that doesn't go to our school and not only that but she was one of my closest friends..

There are just so many questions running chaotically through my head..

Why her? How did this happen? Why do I even like him? What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't?

It's that last one that I think about the most..

I love her but I am a better singer, I do better in school, I see him more, I talk to him more.. but then.. she may be prettier, she's a better dancer, she may be nicer, she may need him more, I may be too controlling, I may not be popular enough, I'm not athletic enough....

She was loved by everyone and on the dance team and I am just a choir nerd. That's why.

I'm am and will forever be the friend.

And no matter how much I say I hate him.. If he ever called me.. I would come running back every time..

"You'll come back

When they call you

no need to say goodbye."

Well Isn't this Super....

I went over to a friends house and she ends up asking Billy Bob why he won't go out with me (not my idea). Well he said... "She's really amazing, but I don't have those kind of feelings for her.. If I did feel that way though I would date her." What the heck... is that suppose to make things better? It made me kind of upset, because I didn't really want to know in the first place.. I could have gone the longest time without actually knowing that. But Magpie! Knowing the truth will help you get over him! Ha!! Right. No, I don't think I'll get over him until I move.. if I move.. and if I don't.. well... it may be a while.

Of course I didn't say anything when I was with my friends. I pretend like it didn't bother me at all. They actually did all of the being upset for me. It was pretty amusing and I am sooo thankful for them. I asked them at one point why they were so upset with him and they told me that they wanted to physically hurt this kid because he flirted with me and lead me on only to crush me. I seriously love my friends.

After I got home though... I became upset again. Without distractions it's easier to think and naturally I think about him.. So I sent him a text saying that I was most likely moving by December. (Even though he doesn't like me like that, I'm still one of his "closest friends" and me moving would really upset him.) This whole conversation continues and he could see that I was upset somehow.. hmm... I wonder. Well then he tells me straight up that he is sorry that he doesn't like me and that he doesn't understand why I'm acting the way I am and that he hopes that I don't leave with us being not as close. After telling him that he's not the reason why I'm upset (lie), he then proceeds to ask why I was upset then. I end up telling the truth...

I tell him about how I'm just frustrated that nothing ever goes the right way, and how I am sick of pretending to smile and be happy at school and stuff, because that is what everyone expects of me, when all I want to do is cry. Then I told him how it wasn't just him.. that I have gone through something similar 7 other times in the past 5 years. He said that nobody should have to pretend to be happy and that he's sorry about all of that and that he didn't know that I went through so much. All of it was simply pity.. "If you ever need anything", "I'll help if you ever need me", "I'm so sorry." Just pity comments. He just felt sorry for me. Will he actually do anything though? Probably not.

Now I get to possibly see him tomorrow (I hope not) and then I get at least 1, if not 3 classes with him next year... WELL ISN'T THAT SUPER...

Now, after all of this crap, I just want a to be held... or I just want a good hug and I want to go to bed. I seriously have the worst headache of my life... Besides my dreams at this point are way better than reality.. Without him and that hope that he actually liked me, I am torn up inside and I'm full of pain that no one can see. At night all I can do is think about what can never be.. When I finally fall asleep, I dream of him.. I dream of his smile and the way he makes me laugh. This is the only time I am ever truly happy, because in my dreams we're not just friends, he loves me back.. I eventually wake back up though knowing that I must face the reality that he doesn't feel the same way, that the dream is just some cruel joke.

All I'm asking is for one night together, just him and me.. alone. Then if he can honestly say that he doesn't have any feelings for me after that night, then I will finally let him go. People say: What's the point in liking someone who doesn't like you back? They're right, there isn't a point. But I can't help who I like, it's not up to me. My heart just kind of decides for me and there is not turning back once your heart makes up its mind.. Besides.. to love someone when there is no chance of love ever thriving.. that is romance.

Let's just face the music here.. I can't get him out of my mind. I keep think of how much I love talking to him... How good he looks when he smiles, how much I love his laugh... I day-dream about him off and on, replaying bits and pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did... I've memorized your face and they way that you look at me... sometimes I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... I wonder what will happen tomorrow, I know one thing is for sure.. He is the best and worst thing that has happened to me in a long time.