Sunday, November 7, 2010

Halfway to 100

Yay.. 50th post... I wish that I could celebrate, but I'm afraid I am way to frustrated and upset for that. I can't be mad though because it isn't anyone's fault but my own.
I shouldn't have let it get this far.. I shouldn't care. The thing is.. I did and I do.

"It started out with a feeling,
which then grew into a hope,
which then turned into a quite thought,
which then turned into a quiet word...
And then that word grew louder,
and louder,
till it was a battle cry..."

That was me last year with Bob. If you remember (I could never forget).. it started just like the song above starts. I started to feel differently around him.. then I started hope that something happened between us.. then I started to think about us.. I got to the point where I could admit that I liked him to myself.. then to my friends until finally I told him.
Obviously though that didn't work at all.. he's too busy dating girls that don't even go to our school to notice me.. I'm just the good friend. I got so frustrated with the whole situation that I completely gave up on the friendship as a whole.
Gradually though, I got over him, and I got used to us just being friends. I came back when he needed me.

"I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye."

Of course the moment I'm over it he asks if I would be interested in just going on a date with him. I wouldn't be his girlfriend, we would just go to them movies and see what happens.
(Never happened)
Well, I didn't really care and so we became best friends more or less.

"Just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never
been this way before.
All you can do is try to know
who your friends are
as you head off to the war."

Then I found out that I was moving and he was there, along with all of my other friends, to help me. Besides the move there was the whole Jordan event. I lost one "friend" but gained better ones that have all been great this past month.

"You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say goodbye."

(I will be visiting this summer)

"Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes"

I started liking him again... It was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn't control it. I tried to stop, to tell my heart to stop, but I continued to gradually like him all over again. Nothing would have happened.. because I'm moving.. so why even bother. Deep down I'm starting to think that I'm a masochistic and I just enjoy putting myself through pain. Why else would I let myself do this?
What's killing me now is that he's dating yet another girl that doesn't go to our school and not only that but she was one of my closest friends..
There are just so many questions running chaotically through my head..
Why her? How did this happen? Why do I even like him? What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't?
It's that last one that I think about the most..
I love her but I am a better singer, I do better in school, I see him more, I talk to him more.. but then.. she may be prettier, she's a better dancer, she may be nicer, she may need him more, I may be too controlling, I may not be popular enough, I'm not athletic enough....
She was loved by everyone and on the dance team and I am just a choir nerd. That's why.
I'm am and will forever be the friend.
And no matter how much I say I hate him.. If he ever called me.. I would come running back every time..

"You'll come back
When they call you
no need to say goodbye."

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