Well Isn't this Super....

I went over to a friends house and she ends up asking Billy Bob why he won't go out with me (not my idea). Well he said... "She's really amazing, but I don't have those kind of feelings for her.. If I did feel that way though I would date her." What the heck... is that suppose to make things better? It made me kind of upset, because I didn't really want to know in the first place.. I could have gone the longest time without actually knowing that. But Magpie! Knowing the truth will help you get over him! Ha!! Right. No, I don't think I'll get over him until I move.. if I move.. and if I don't.. well... it may be a while.

Of course I didn't say anything when I was with my friends. I pretend like it didn't bother me at all. They actually did all of the being upset for me. It was pretty amusing and I am sooo thankful for them. I asked them at one point why they were so upset with him and they told me that they wanted to physically hurt this kid because he flirted with me and lead me on only to crush me. I seriously love my friends.

After I got home though... I became upset again. Without distractions it's easier to think and naturally I think about him.. So I sent him a text saying that I was most likely moving by December. (Even though he doesn't like me like that, I'm still one of his "closest friends" and me moving would really upset him.) This whole conversation continues and he could see that I was upset somehow.. hmm... I wonder. Well then he tells me straight up that he is sorry that he doesn't like me and that he doesn't understand why I'm acting the way I am and that he hopes that I don't leave with us being not as close. After telling him that he's not the reason why I'm upset (lie), he then proceeds to ask why I was upset then. I end up telling the truth...

I tell him about how I'm just frustrated that nothing ever goes the right way, and how I am sick of pretending to smile and be happy at school and stuff, because that is what everyone expects of me, when all I want to do is cry. Then I told him how it wasn't just him.. that I have gone through something similar 7 other times in the past 5 years. He said that nobody should have to pretend to be happy and that he's sorry about all of that and that he didn't know that I went through so much. All of it was simply pity.. "If you ever need anything", "I'll help if you ever need me", "I'm so sorry." Just pity comments. He just felt sorry for me. Will he actually do anything though? Probably not.

Now I get to possibly see him tomorrow (I hope not) and then I get at least 1, if not 3 classes with him next year... WELL ISN'T THAT SUPER...

Now, after all of this crap, I just want a to be held... or I just want a good hug and I want to go to bed. I seriously have the worst headache of my life... Besides my dreams at this point are way better than reality.. Without him and that hope that he actually liked me, I am torn up inside and I'm full of pain that no one can see. At night all I can do is think about what can never be.. When I finally fall asleep, I dream of him.. I dream of his smile and the way he makes me laugh. This is the only time I am ever truly happy, because in my dreams we're not just friends, he loves me back.. I eventually wake back up though knowing that I must face the reality that he doesn't feel the same way, that the dream is just some cruel joke.

All I'm asking is for one night together, just him and me.. alone. Then if he can honestly say that he doesn't have any feelings for me after that night, then I will finally let him go. People say: What's the point in liking someone who doesn't like you back? They're right, there isn't a point. But I can't help who I like, it's not up to me. My heart just kind of decides for me and there is not turning back once your heart makes up its mind.. Besides.. to love someone when there is no chance of love ever thriving.. that is romance.

Let's just face the music here.. I can't get him out of my mind. I keep think of how much I love talking to him... How good he looks when he smiles, how much I love his laugh... I day-dream about him off and on, replaying bits and pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did... I've memorized your face and they way that you look at me... sometimes I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... I wonder what will happen tomorrow, I know one thing is for sure.. He is the best and worst thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Do Nothing Day

Pretty amazing day! I must say sleep really does make a difference. :) 11 hours and I feel great!
I found out that my English teacher can sing and play the guitar, and messing with Bob is really fun. :) That's about it though. It's been a pretty calm day.. even Phineas and Ferb had a "Do Nothing Day."

Well now I must go write a poem and work on my review. Awesomeness I know. :)
Very short blog today haha.

I'm moving where?!

NEWS UPDATE!!!

Okay so my dad just told me that there is a 50% chance that I will move to Anchorage, Alaska! :O That's pretty much the complete opposite of where I am now...

1. Home: Hot for the majority of the year and doesn't ever really snow Alaska: Get's REALLY cold and snows
2. Home: tons of buildings, malls, homes, parking lots, etc. Alaska: tons of trees...
3. Home: Mexicans Alaska: Eskimos
4. Home: Not much scenery... Alaska: A beautiful view just about anywhere you go
5. Home: You go to the beach and swim in pools Alaska: You go skiing and can't really swim outdoors
6. Home: Rednecks Alaska: Environmentalists

Obviously both locations have their advantages and disadvantages...
Here's how my father told me about this:
Okay, so he's picking me up from a friend's house and he was in the Mercedes. The other day I heard my mom talking to one of her friends about the car I will be driving, when I can.. I overheard her saying that her and my father were planning on selling the Mercedes and that is the car that I was supposed to get. (It's a pretty sweet car, I won't lie.) So, after getting in the car I ask my dad, "Are you guys really going to sell this car and get a truck?" (That's what they were going to get... a truck.. I do NOT like trucks and I will NOT drive one..) The conversation continued as follows...
DAD: No, where did you hear that?
ME: I heard mom talking about it.. she said that we were getting a truck.
DAD: Well, we're not going to sell the Mercedes. I do want a truck but we'll have to see.
ME: So the Mercedes will be here for awhile?
DAD: Unless we move.
ME: Yeah, but that won't be happening anytime soon. (laughs a little at the silliness of that idea)
DAD: Well.. we may be moving sooner than you think. It all depends.
ME: What?! We're moving?
DAD: It depends on which position opens up first.
ME: Where would we be moving to? Singapore? Dubai? Louisiana?
DAD: Anchorage, Alaska.
ME: What?!!? When?
DAD: Well, we'll know whether or not we're moving by December of this year.. if not sooner.
ME: What are the chances of us moving?
DAD: It's a 50/50 chance.
ME: :O
DAD: Don't tell your sisters.
ME: ................

Yeah... great.. At first I will admit that I didn't want to move at all, but well, now it seems like it would be kind of cool.. Of course I'll miss my friends and I'll miss my directors and everything else about where I live now, but come on... it's Alaska. That's pretty cool. I've already looked at the school and a few house that I wouldn't mind living in. After researching a bit and planning things out, I feel just a little bit better about the whole thing. Now I constantly have this funny feeling in my stomach because of the not knowing part.. I'm constantly anxious and nervous and it's not fun at all. I just want to know now..

Anywho... that's all that really mattered to me today.. I'll keep you posted on all of the latest developments of the possible move.